My Journey to Self-Love

It is never easy to write about your own insecurities, and yet here I am, dedicating an entire blog to them. Maybe I’m crazy, or maybe, just maybe, this might be the best thing I’ve ever decided to do. Either way, here’s the deal. Whether a thousand people read these posts, or only one, my goal still remains the same. The purpose of this blog is for me to begin my journey towards a little concept known as “self-love”. 

For those of you who don’t know me that well, and even for many of you who do, I suffer a daily struggle with my own self worth. While I understand that many people often have days where they don’t feel great about themselves, for me it’s different. Pulling myself out of bed everyday is a struggle. Seeing myself in the mirror is torture. Going out in public alone is terrifying. The point is that on most days I literally hate myself. There, I said it. Everything becomes a struggle, and while I usually have a fake smile painted onto my face, it’s almost always in response to me trying to hide my own fears and anxieties, or even to simply keep myself from breaking down into a mess of tears. 

Now, before I get any negative comments, let me go ahead and say this: no, I have not been diagnosed with any type of mental illness, depression, or anxiety disorder. However, most likely the reason for this is because I’m too scared to go and get tested. That being said, I am not trying to self diagnose myself with any kind of condition. This blog is simply a way for me to come to terms with myself and hopefully bring me to a point where I can finally look at myself in a mirror and not absolutely despise what I see.  

If you have managed to read this far, congratulations. I know my writing style can be a bit “rambly”, so I am thankful to you for sticking through it to the end. Please understand that this blog is not going to be easy for me. I’m typically the type of person who listens to everyone else’s problems rather than ever talking about her own. It’s difficult for me to open up to others, but I believe that if I try to document my journey, while also trying to come to terms with who I am and what my purpose is, then maybe I will be able to inspire someone else who struggles from similar issues to my own. 

At the end of the day, I would like to hear that someone else found some sort of inspiration from this blog; however, my main goal is to simple: I want to love myself. That concept seems foreign to me, but hopefully by the end of this journey it will feel natural. Thank you for taking the time to read this little introduction to the future of my blog, and if you continue to follow me on this journey, I hope I can inspire you while also inspiring myself. 

The Human Doormat

Please excuse me while I go on a quick rant.

As an introvert, I have a huge problem. I have become a human doormat.

One of the most difficult things for me to do is stand up for myself. I say yes to everyone and everything, even if it will only hurt me in the long run. When someone criticizes me, I sit there and take it. I apologize for everything, even when something isn’t my fault. This is my problem. This is the issue that I must face everyday. I am constantly letting people put me down, walk all over me, and treat me as if I am not important.

Well, not anymore. Today is the day that I learn to stand up for myself. I am so sick and tired of people always trying to tell me what I’m doing wrong. Why can’t someone, just for once, point out something good about me? Why can no one see the side of me that strives to please and works hard to help as many people as I can? I am not worthless. I am not someone who should simply be taken for granted. I will no longer let people take advantage of me and then leave me hanging when I try to get some help in return.

So often, people like me go unnoticed and unappreciated. If you’re reading this right now and thinking, “hey, that sounds like me!”, then listen up. Stop what you’re doing. Stop letting people take advantage of you. People like us have an problem. We don’t like saying the word no to anyone. We let people walk all over us. We listen to other people’s problems and offer up helpful advice, but never have anyone who will do the same for us. We are thankful for everything that we are given, but we never receive the same gratitude from the people that we help.

Here’s the thing: It’s wrong; It’s unfair; It’s time for it to stop. If we don’t stand up for ourselves now, then when will we? For so long, people like us have been used and then thrown away like everyday, ordinary trash. People run to us when they need something, and then leave almost as soon as they came. Although it is wrong for people to treat us like that, it is actually us who is partly to blame. After years of never standing up for ourselves, people have just come to take that as who we are. Because we never complain, they continue to do it. For once, if I could actually build up the courage to take my life into my own hands and stand up for my own rights as a person, then maybe, just maybe, people will begin to actually treat me as if I’m a human.

So here we are. We are people. We are human beings. We have feelings, wants, desires, hopes and dreams! Why should we let other people walk all over us? Why should we be taken for granted? It’s time to stop. It’s time to take action and start putting our feet down and saying no. No longer will I let anyone else tell me who I am or what I need to be. I know who I am. I am a child of God. I was created in his image and so were you! God put us on this earth and he gave us all a purpose. If we are constantly living in someone else’s shadow, then how will we ever become who God truly wants us to be?

Today is my day. Today is your day. Today is OUR day. We will be silent no longer. It is time for us to stand up for ourselves. Everyone has a voice, and it’s time that ours are heard.

I am not an doormat, and neither are you.

Introversion Chose Me

What does it honestly mean to be an introvert?

Does it mean that someone is depressed or anti-social? Or maybe it means that they are stuck-up and rude?

Recently I was asked why I had chosen to become an introvert. Wait. Go back and reread that part again. Why had I “chosen” to become an introvert? Let me take this moment to explain something to anyone who may be reading this. As an introvert, I often enjoy spending my time alone, whether it be reading books or just simply relaxing on the couch. I love to take long walks by myself in order to get away from the hustle and bustle of everyday life. Writing is the most efficient way for me to communicate my thoughts and feelings because I have a hard time expressing myself verbally without talking too fast, stuttering, or stumbling over my words.

Now don’t get me wrong. I have a wonderfully small group of incredibly close friends, and I could honestly not be any happier. When I am with my close friends, I can talk and chat and laugh and joke around….all of the “extroverted” things that most people do not think I am capable of.

What most people don’t realize is that introversion is not something that someone just all of a sudden “chooses” to be. It’s a part of who I am and I cannot simply change that. Being an introvert in no way means that I am depressed. I am perfectly happy with my life and myself. Of course, I have some insecurities about myself, but then again, who doesn’t! Being an introvert simply means that I find solitude in being alone. I don’t need huge groups of friends to make me feel better about myself. I never feel the need to attend crazy and raging parties in order to have a good time. My tiny tight-knit group of friends and maybe a small outing every now and then is truly all I need to feel happy and satisfied. After a fun “get-together”, there may be a couple of days where you don’t hear from me, but that’s only because I need some alone time to refuel. And you know what? That is perfectly okay.

I will not apologize to anyone for being an introvert. I will not apologize to anyone for embracing who I truly am. Don’t criticize me or belittle me for who I am. Just because I choose not to make small talk, attend parties, or speak out does not mean that I can’t. Trust me. When I need to express my feelings to someone, or I have to attend a party and make awful small talk with people that I hardly even know, I can do it with no problems whatsoever. However, don’t expect it to be a regular thing. I may not enjoy small talk, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy talking about my passions. If you could actually take the time to get to know me, you might discover that there is more to me than meets the eye.

One of my favorite quotes about being an introvert is simply this: “The funny thing about introverts is once they feel comfortable with you, they can be the funniest, most enjoyable people to be around. It’s like a secret they feel comfortable sharing with you. Except that the secret it their personality.”

I am an introvert. I did not “choose” to be this way, nor do I wish that I wasn’t like this. I am happy being just the way I am. God made me with his perfect design, and God does not make any mistakes. So if anyone ever wants to know why I am an introvert, the person to ask is not me. I do not know why God made me this way, but I am not one to complain. I did not choose introversion; Introversion chose me.

I am an introvert, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.